Holiday Blessings

I really DO have a life but...

I was just thinking.  At every family holiday dinner the kids and I have ever had, as part of grace, I would always say out loud, that I am thankful for my children.  I could never really say that about anyone else. Not my ex-husband, not my parents or anyone else.  It might sound selfish but,  my children are the only family I have, in my eyes.  My mother is still around, but I don't count her for much.  She is a very selfish person, in a bad way,  and was not a good mother to me when I was growing up. She tried to make it up to me later, but it was just too late, and most of it I felt, was not genuine or sincere.   I went the opposite route with my children.  I probably overcompensated and did TOO much for them, but I don't care, I have no regrets.  I gave them all of the love in my heart. Spent every dime I had on them too.  I take after my grandmother in that regard, my father's mother.  She was the most special person on earth to me, she's gone now.  But there never was a more kind and loving soul in my life, and all she gave to me, I gave to my children and more.  My grandfather was awesome too.  I do love my mother, because she's my mother.  You get what you get.

Several times this week in the evening I parked the car in a dark parking lot, next to the apartments where I'm staying, in the direction of an old Victorian home that has been split up into apartments.   From the lot upon parking several nights this week, I could see through one of the windows facing the lot, a family having dinner. They seem to be from India or somewhere thereabout, a beautiful family.  Anyway, I sat in my car for awhile watching them together at the dinner table, passing food and just doing normal things and my heart just swelled up with longing for my own family.  For many years THEY were my home, and I theirs.  How I long to have a place again to share those times and simple joys of being a family again with them.  Where is my home?  I am homeless really.  I stay with a friend and have nothing at the moment.  Nothing but my memories.  I know I will have this again one day, I hope.  I only hope it's not too late.

Some nights I feel so restless.  I love the night, and would roam the streets all night on foot,  if I thought it were safe.  It's just not fair to be limited and deprived of such a simple thing...

I miss my grandmother.