A Very Merry Christmastide To You

"Ule! Ule!
Three puddings in a pule ;
Crack nuts and cry ule ! "

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"But is old, old, good old Christmas gone?
Nothing but the hair of his good, gray, old
head and beard left ? Well, I will have that,
seeing that I cannot have more of him.

Hue and Cry after Christmas."

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CHRISTMAS

THE STAGE COACH

CHRISTMAS EVE

CHRISTMAS DAY

THE CHRISTMAS DINNER
- The most wonder chapters and a few excerpts from Washington Irving's Sketch Book.  His very fond and informative remembrances of an old traditional English Christmas.  Read some or all if you like:  http://classiclit.about.com/library/bl-etexts/wirving/bl-wirving-oldchristmas-1.htm

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I'm feeling sad again this Christmas about not being able to spend time with my son.  I will see my two daughters at some point throughout the holiday and I'm happy for that, but I don't yet have a place for them to come to me, to stay, a place where I can entertain them and share some of our wonderful time honored traditions.  My daughter Chris who is very fond of musicals has requested that her sister Rose and I go to see Les Miserables, the film that's being released on Christmas day.  I think that this is an attainable goal and I am looking forward to it. Maybe we could even go ice skating, I'm not sure.  In any case, I hope and pray for a swift and positive change for the new year.

May God Bless You One And All...

Christmas Memories

I tried to create my own traditions for the kids and I, when they were with me at home, things I never did when I was a kid.  Some of them may already be commonplace for most people, but they were new to me, and something I always wanted as a kid.  I think they might call it "normal"  in some households, but all new to me.  Along with the seasonal Christmas crafts, I cajoled them into singing traditional and sometimes whimsical and highly animated carols with me.  I tried to share my love of bird watching with them - oh how I love to watch the cardinals, the blue jays and the tufted titmouse in the snow, along with the occasional redheaded woodpecker at the suet feeder.  We baked cookies, or rather, I baked and they ate, sometimes we had a cookie decorating party.  We stuffed cloves into oranges and made scented pomanders.  The kids went sled riding, sometimes ice skating.  We drank special hot cocoas with whipped cream and crushed peppermint or chocolate shavings on top - we all love Abuelita's too, and the final garnishment was a miniature candy cane of course.  We had a list of all of the traditional Christmas movies to watch:  A Charlie Brown Christmas, It's a Wonderful Life, Miracle on 34th Street, Home Alone, Jingle All the Way, A Christmas Carol, the traditional and Scrooged with Bill Murray, Rudolph, Frosty, The Grinch, Elf, Roby the Reindeer became quite popular with the kids, I loved A Child's Christmas in Wales, Winter in the Willows, taken from Wind in the Willows and of thanks to my son's love of Die Hard and Bruce Willis, we had to deem ALL of the Die Hard movies, Christmas movies, because most all of them had a Christmas theme or setting! When Harry Met Sally, Moonstruck and Sleepless in Seattle were always thrown in for good measure. Oh my, with so many movies, it's a wonder we had TIME for anything else! 
We always tried to take in a play put on by the locals, and/or a production of The Nutcracker.  There's a brilliant performance every year at the Akron Civic Theatre, although we've seen it in Fairbanks, Alaska, with the Russian Dancers and in Denver, Colorado too.
There was all of the Christmas music you could fathom traditional, rock, jazz, country and classical.  We got such a kick out of Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer, and Merry Christmas From the Family by the Dixie Chicks.  There was a lot of merriment love and laughter.  And I think one of my favorite things to do was read, when they would allow it:  A Christmas Memory, by Truman Capote - god I love that story,  And also Dulce Domum, a most heartwarming and Christmassy chapter from Kenneth Grahame's Wind in the Willows.  I loved the years I got them to sing in the church choir, but I never pressed that on them, I gave them what  spiritual foundation I could, and let them decide for themselves about life's miracles.  But I always tried to make Christmas about so much more than gifts, and it always was. And IS.

Holiday Blessings

I really DO have a life but...

I was just thinking.  At every family holiday dinner the kids and I have ever had, as part of grace, I would always say out loud, that I am thankful for my children.  I could never really say that about anyone else. Not my ex-husband, not my parents or anyone else.  It might sound selfish but,  my children are the only family I have, in my eyes.  My mother is still around, but I don't count her for much.  She is a very selfish person, in a bad way,  and was not a good mother to me when I was growing up. She tried to make it up to me later, but it was just too late, and most of it I felt, was not genuine or sincere.   I went the opposite route with my children.  I probably overcompensated and did TOO much for them, but I don't care, I have no regrets.  I gave them all of the love in my heart. Spent every dime I had on them too.  I take after my grandmother in that regard, my father's mother.  She was the most special person on earth to me, she's gone now.  But there never was a more kind and loving soul in my life, and all she gave to me, I gave to my children and more.  My grandfather was awesome too.  I do love my mother, because she's my mother.  You get what you get.

Several times this week in the evening I parked the car in a dark parking lot, next to the apartments where I'm staying, in the direction of an old Victorian home that has been split up into apartments.   From the lot upon parking several nights this week, I could see through one of the windows facing the lot, a family having dinner. They seem to be from India or somewhere thereabout, a beautiful family.  Anyway, I sat in my car for awhile watching them together at the dinner table, passing food and just doing normal things and my heart just swelled up with longing for my own family.  For many years THEY were my home, and I theirs.  How I long to have a place again to share those times and simple joys of being a family again with them.  Where is my home?  I am homeless really.  I stay with a friend and have nothing at the moment.  Nothing but my memories.  I know I will have this again one day, I hope.  I only hope it's not too late.

Some nights I feel so restless.  I love the night, and would roam the streets all night on foot,  if I thought it were safe.  It's just not fair to be limited and deprived of such a simple thing...

I miss my grandmother.

Oh, Woe Is This Holiday Season...

The holidays are rough for most empty nesters I would imagine.  Maybe not, I don't know.

I am not obsessed with the lives of my children, I've raised them to be strong, independent and happy, I think.  Right now it's my son I'm most concerned about.  When I sent him to Florida, it was with the understanding that he would live with his dad and his fiance (of about five years) and her daughter, who is about a year younger than my son.  And when his father was away on a flight, yes he's back to work, my son would be with her and that would be okay.  He already knew her and everything seemed fine.  It was fine, but now, to me, it ISN'T.  About four months ago I found out that my ex and his fiance broke up and she moved out!  So naturally I want to know - WHO is with my son when his father is out flying?  Sometimes he's gone for two or three weeks, then he's home for the same amount of time.  Sometimes longer.  No one wants to answer my question, except to say that everything is FINE?  Apparently he has a male roommate who he's known for many years staying there and he helps out, and the ex fiance is still involved, but all of this is just not good enough for me and is negligent too I think!  My son is only sixteen years old.  Half of the time I can't get through to anyone - my son will respond to a text once in awhile.  Once in a blue moon I'll get him on the phone, but if I ask any REAL questions, he clams up.  He doesn't want to tell me anything, I think for fear of his father finding out.  What if there was a medical emergency?  There is no one there who can sign for my son or make medical decisions!

I don't know what to do.  I can't afford an attorney, I don't have a home for him to come to at the moment, I don't even have a job.  I worry constantly.  By the way, I don't use drugs or alcohol, maybe I should! I've never been in any trouble with the law.  My only crime is falling on financial hard times and being so overwhelmed that I fell into a deep abyss of depression and could barely cope.  I am trying every day to put the pieces back together again but I feel that I am losing valuable time with my son.  What if something happens to him?  What if he get's into trouble?  I think a boy his age needs constant supervision and boundaries.  I think his father gives him that when he's around, but what about when he's NOT around?  And I too feel negligent,  I should be able to step in and legally have a say and do what's best for my son, but I can't.  Oh, what am I to do?  All I can do right now is pray fervently for the safety of my son.

A Wandering Soul...

I'm not sure if it matters but...  Back a few years ago, when I was working as a Realtor in a declining market and trying to raise three children on my own, and take care of a house, the property, a mortgage, and everything else that goes along with that, my child support was the cushion I needed to keep things going.  Now I know, many airlines were having difficulty at the time, and that my ex-husband's company and position as a captain of a international cargo airline went bye-bye when his company went bankrupt, and that things were tough all over but...  He went and filed for a reduction in child support, which he was awarded, which took some time to take effect, and when it finally did, the difference went retroactive and created a negative balance in his favor.  Long story short, he got out of paying me child support for almost a year.  He was hardly ever in town to see or help out with the kids too, as he had taken up residence in Miami. Part of me was glad not to have him around, the other half was exhausted for never having a bread from the kids!  This created a real burden and a financial and an emotional hardship on me and I began to get severely depressed, even more than I had been before the aftermath of a hellacious marriage!

It was the trickle-down effect of the economy, a bad marriage, loss of employment and lies, lies and more lies.

Everything I had been working so hard for was slowly going down the drain.

I kept my worries from the kids as best as I could, but I did not hide the seriousness of the situation either.  In between times of the stark reality of what was happening.  I continued to be a dutiful loving mother, who for the first time in my life had to stand in a welfare line.

As if things weren't bad enough.  I found out nearly a year later that my ex had purchased THREE T-Mobile stores in Miami!  Yeah, one of the kids let it slip that he would be selling one or two of them and I was shocked!  I was devastated that not only had the kids and I had to suffer as we were, but that he had actually involved the kids in this deception!  I felt betrayed by everyone!  I asked the kids why they hadn't told me, as they knew how bad things were, and they just said what they were programmed to say, that dad really didn't make any money off of this investment and he was having a hard time too!  HARD time?  Ha!  I could not believe this was happening to me and that he was getting away with it.  I couldn't even afford an attorney to take him to court for all he had done!  Get this.  He has and has had two condos in Tallmadge, where I lived, as income properties, which he claimed were upside down, but he WAS collecting rent, three T-Mobile stores, he lived in a three income condo in Miami,  his girlfriend worked plus they had a roommate AND - now this is the kicker!  HE was collecting unemployment from the state of Virginia, which was where his company had been based, which was totally illegal!

I may be wrong, but one does not usually purchase a third T-Mobile store, unless they other two were doing well?

This wasn't ABOUT the kids, this was about HIM making ME suffer, which consequently hurt us all.

This was the beginning of the end of a life time of stability and happiness I had made for the kids and I.  I still just could not even believe it.

A Cherished Memory...

My son has, or at least he had, only a few short years ago, a special knack for picking four leaf clover.  It was amazing, he would just be running across the yard and announce in passing that he'd seen several four leaf clover a ways back, and didn't have time to pick them!  And he wasn't just saying that - he picked them for me all of the time.  One year on mother's day, he was waiting for me to pick him up from his father's home (when he still lived in Ohio) and he gave me a little box of four leaf clover. When I counted them, there were thirty!  How does this happen?  In all of my life and all of my childhood searching I could not find a single one!  My son is a good boy and I miss him so much. I've often called him "lucky Tommy."

Why

did "I" come out in another color after typing my missive on microsoft word?  I won't do that again.  That's annoying.  Sorry.