Why

did "I" come out in another color after typing my missive on microsoft word?  I won't do that again.  That's annoying.  Sorry.

Helplessness...

I lie awake at night wondering and worrying about my son.  The agreement I made with my ex-husband two Christmas’ ago, to let him go to live with him in Miami as it turns out was all a lie.  He cut me out of my son’s life almost completely.  I should have known better,  but what can I do?  I don’t even have the financial resources to go after him in court right now.  He’s sixteen, and a  junior in high school.  We were very close and now, I hardly ever get a phone call and when I do it’s very brief.  I know he does not like to talk on the phone much, but I feel he is afraid to talk.  I feel my son’s life is in danger because of his current living situation.

I miss him and want him back, but right now, I don’t even have a home for him to come to.

Holiday Cheer

Some days I just feel like nobody loves me.  I know it's not true, but that's how it feels.

Restlessness

Ahhhh...  The kick-off of the holiday season!

Such a bleak November day here in Northeast Ohio.  Normally, I love all seasons and all types of weather, unless I am contemplating  the void in my heart, which is quite often...

I feel like I have been robbed of the finish line and everything I have worked so hard to accomplish with my children as a family.  It didn't have to be this way.  I was doing fine on my own, after the divorce, that is, if you don't count the two years I didn't even go out on a date for fear that my psycho ex husband would go ballistic and kill someone! SERIOUSLY!  Obviously, he didn't want the divorce.

I swear to god!  Fucking crack addicts seem to have it easier than what I've been through!  I have been ostracized, ridiculed and over time I have been treated like  a social pariah by my family because  I chose another way.  I just wanted to be happy, the kids and I.  And I wanted to disassociate myself from the nightmares of my past.

I let the kids think that everything was normal with my family, for the sake of there normalcy?  Is that where I went wrong?

The Empty Nest

There is an old saying: One woman can raise ten children, but ten children cannot take care of one mother.  And it's so true.  While I don't expect my children to support me financially, I was hoping that I would at least be able to reap some love and appreciation for all of those years I devoted myself solely to their care, and for many years as a single parent.  Maybe they're still too young to realize?  Do I really have to wait until I have grandchildren for them to have some inkling as to what I have done, the sacrifices I've made?

I don't feel like the typical empty-nester, but then again, I just may be...

I will reveal my particular set of circumstances in time.